Outlived

The year 2022 was a landmark year for me "by age". I turned 42 this year which also meant I've officially outlived my mom who lived until 41 yrs. I can't help but compare our lives and what we've been through. One thing is for sure, at 41 she probably went through many challenges, changes and experiences than me. So here's more to it.

 

0 - 5 Years: The First Years Of Our Lives

She was born in 1956 in Aarni, a town couple of hours drive from Chennai. Being the youngest among 8 kids, she was the most pampered yet starved with the niceties a kid yearned for; starved mainly because the family had exhausted their finances with the marriage of 4 elder daughters and were on the brink of poverty. My grandfather Raghavan was a lethargic musician who went on long tours at any sign of  family pressure leaving my grandma Pappammal to fend for herself and the kids.

I on the other hand the first kid in the family, was born in 1980 in Madras, a year after my parents were married. My parents were an independent couple and seeked the occasional help of my maternal aunts who lived in Madras as well. Being in the Indian Navy of the 1980s my dads salary was below par and it was hard to make ends meet. My parents were saving up to buy a new house which they eventually did a year later. In a bid to pay off the house debt, they had to save aggressively which meant compromising me of the niceties any toddler would long to have.

 

6 - 16 years: The Growing Years And Adolescence.

Until the age of 6, we had seemingly good times. My mom was a naughty little girl playing with her cousins all the time in the streets of Aarni not giving a darn about the world.

I was a happy go kid, running and playing  around in the lanes of Navy Nagar, Bombay. My best toy was my little sister born 4 yrs after me, so life was fun playing with her and my apartment friends all the time. The next years were strikingly different for us. 

When my mom was around 6, my grandmother confronted the reality of poverty and couldn't afford to take care of her last 2 daughters, my mom and her sister. She took the hard decision of admitting them to a government children home for girls. It was very hard on the girls, the only solace for my mom being her elder sister Saraswathi was right besides her and they grew up together. My mom spent the next 12 yrs of her life in this campus before moving out with her sister who was by then married and had 2 kids.

While my life was very different - My sister's arrival turned the tide on our family finances. We stayed in a good Naval apartment and I spent the next few years studying in a Roman Catholic convent school and faired pretty good in academics and sports. After my dad voluntarily retired to work in a private shipping company, we as a family decided to shift to Madras and I moved couple of schools before settling in Kola Perumal school which was probably the best years of my life.

 

16 - 22 years: All About Hardship

We both were thrown to real life challenges at about the same age when we turned 18, probably a year earlier for me.

My mom although now out of the children's home and living in a house, never felt at home. Her sisters weren't doing good financially, 1970s was a grim period for India economically, and it was evident in her house too. A one bedroom house shared by 5 or 6 inmates, all had to adjust living in it. Mom had to shuffle between her sisters houses, never settling in a place. She managed to find a tailoring job, thanks to the vocational courses in her residential school that gave her a sense of independence and shared responsibility in her sisters house. Imagine the mindset of a young woman with no permanent home having to live this way. After about 6 years of living in such cramped houses with different families, her path crossed with my dads and they were happily married and she managed to leave this part of her life for good.

Just before I turned 17 the biggest tragedy of my life struck me. My sister and I had to fend for ourselves with an emotional support from my aunt Saraswathi and grandma Pappammal. The next 6 years were terrible for me. I had to complete my engineering studies while taking care of my teen sister, her education, house expenses and my aging grandmother. I didn't know what the next day had in store. It was after I joined my second job that tides turned for me, which was also the period of recovery after the global dotcom bubble burst.

 

22 - 30 years: The Good Times:

The second half of 20s was all about change, adapting and responsibility for my mom. A year after their marriage, I was born, and few months later dad transferred to Bombay. This was a big change for my mom who didn't even know to speak English let alone Hindi. She was quick to adapt and learn Hindi, just enough to buy groceries and chat with other Navy wives. With dad gone sailing for days and even months at times, my mom had no choice but to learn things fast and take complete responsibilities of the house and she excelled. She was able to keep me in control as well. At 28, she gave birth to my sister and our family was complete now.

 

By this time, my income was stable and the next few years were the best work-life years for me. Working in a Bangalore based startup with amazing colleagues, trips to Chennai every other weekend, relishing the long bike rides, working hard and partying hard, life was good. I was always aware of the huge responsibility on my shoulders i.e. to take care of my sister, and was slowly piling on my savings as well. At 27, I decided it was time to return to Chennai and spend the next few years with my sister before getting her married. I bought a car soon and our MMDA house wasnt enough, so we renovated our Mogappair house and moved into the large house leaving behind the remnants and memories of MMDA house. The next 3 years were about settling at new work, new house and looking out for my sisters marriage propositions and lots of local exploratory travels, I had a quality time with my sister, granny and friends.

 

30 - 40 years: Progressive Times

This prime phase was all about progression and settling down for both mom and me.

After leading a fairly settled life in Bombay and at 32, she had to lead the big shift to Madras leaving behind her friends and the Bombay way of life. (By now we had lived with Telugu, Marathi, Punjabi, and Kannada families) Dad and I wanted to stay in Bombay but mom was keen on shifting to Madras and rightly so, since we had our own house and the high cost of living in Bombay etc. After moving to Madras, initial couple of years were difficult with building a new house and settling down with schools etc, but after that the next 5 yrs were a breeze. With dad going on long sailing schedules, she was pretty much independently running the house. Deepika and I were grown up enough to manage our studies and run house errands. My aunt Saraswathi lived a few blocks away and was a regular visitor to our house, this gave us a sense of security and emotional support as well. Mom had occasional visit from all relatives and cousins which kept her busy and active. She also pursued her interests in cooking and tailoring with full passion.

 

On the other hand, life for me was very eventful and unsettling during this period. At 32, I managed to arrange my sisters weddings, followed by my wedding in quick succession. In the following years, I travelled to different places for work including Oman, UK and US. I even discovered a new found interest in running. I moved to London for a few years before returning to Chennai, became a dad to a baby girl Aaradhana (named after my mom's favourite movie of all time), managed to build a new house and even saw a pandemic rip apart the world. At 40, I moved to London and living there at the time of writing this 2 years later.

 

Epilogue:

In summary, she experienced  living in a backward place and time, gone through extreme poverty, spent a childhood without parents in a hostel, committed herself to an outside man she totally believed in, shifted based to a new city altogether twice, learnt a new language from scratch, made lots of Non-Tamil friends, left them all and shifted her base back to Chennai, took the responsibility of independently running the house and overseeing the education of 2 kids and most importantly making sure they got her complete attention, value education, and facilities that she herself yearned as a child while not compromising on her passions (reading, cooking and tailoring).

 

I, on the other hand, had a very stable childhood till 16, had to adapt to frequently changing schools (5 schools), take care of my education, manage my house from 17 years, find a career for myself, settle down my sister and myself later on.

 

At 41, I somehow feel my mom had more experiences than me and this is where I outlived my mom !