Outlived

The year 2022 was a landmark year for me "by age". I turned 42 this year which also meant I've officially outlived my mom who lived until 41 yrs. I can't help but compare our lives and what we've been through. One thing is for sure, at 41 she probably went through many challenges, changes and experiences than me. So here's more to it.

 

0 - 5 Years: The First Years Of Our Lives

She was born in 1956 in Aarni, a town couple of hours drive from Chennai. Being the youngest among 8 kids, she was the most pampered yet starved with the niceties a kid yearned for; starved mainly because the family had exhausted their finances with the marriage of 4 elder daughters and were on the brink of poverty. My grandfather Raghavan was a lethargic musician who went on long tours at any sign of  family pressure leaving my grandma Pappammal to fend for herself and the kids.

I on the other hand the first kid in the family, was born in 1980 in Madras, a year after my parents were married. My parents were an independent couple and seeked the occasional help of my maternal aunts who lived in Madras as well. Being in the Indian Navy of the 1980s my dads salary was below par and it was hard to make ends meet. My parents were saving up to buy a new house which they eventually did a year later. In a bid to pay off the house debt, they had to save aggressively which meant compromising me of the niceties any toddler would long to have.

 

6 - 16 years: The Growing Years And Adolescence.

Until the age of 6, we had seemingly good times. My mom was a naughty little girl playing with her cousins all the time in the streets of Aarni not giving a darn about the world.

I was a happy go kid, running and playing  around in the lanes of Navy Nagar, Bombay. My best toy was my little sister born 4 yrs after me, so life was fun playing with her and my apartment friends all the time. The next years were strikingly different for us. 

When my mom was around 6, my grandmother confronted the reality of poverty and couldn't afford to take care of her last 2 daughters, my mom and her sister. She took the hard decision of admitting them to a government children home for girls. It was very hard on the girls, the only solace for my mom being her elder sister Saraswathi was right besides her and they grew up together. My mom spent the next 12 yrs of her life in this campus before moving out with her sister who was by then married and had 2 kids.

While my life was very different - My sister's arrival turned the tide on our family finances. We stayed in a good Naval apartment and I spent the next few years studying in a Roman Catholic convent school and faired pretty good in academics and sports. After my dad voluntarily retired to work in a private shipping company, we as a family decided to shift to Madras and I moved couple of schools before settling in Kola Perumal school which was probably the best years of my life.

 

16 - 22 years: All About Hardship

We both were thrown to real life challenges at about the same age when we turned 18, probably a year earlier for me.

My mom although now out of the children's home and living in a house, never felt at home. Her sisters weren't doing good financially, 1970s was a grim period for India economically, and it was evident in her house too. A one bedroom house shared by 5 or 6 inmates, all had to adjust living in it. Mom had to shuffle between her sisters houses, never settling in a place. She managed to find a tailoring job, thanks to the vocational courses in her residential school that gave her a sense of independence and shared responsibility in her sisters house. Imagine the mindset of a young woman with no permanent home having to live this way. After about 6 years of living in such cramped houses with different families, her path crossed with my dads and they were happily married and she managed to leave this part of her life for good.

Just before I turned 17 the biggest tragedy of my life struck me. My sister and I had to fend for ourselves with an emotional support from my aunt Saraswathi and grandma Pappammal. The next 6 years were terrible for me. I had to complete my engineering studies while taking care of my teen sister, her education, house expenses and my aging grandmother. I didn't know what the next day had in store. It was after I joined my second job that tides turned for me, which was also the period of recovery after the global dotcom bubble burst.

 

22 - 30 years: The Good Times:

The second half of 20s was all about change, adapting and responsibility for my mom. A year after their marriage, I was born, and few months later dad transferred to Bombay. This was a big change for my mom who didn't even know to speak English let alone Hindi. She was quick to adapt and learn Hindi, just enough to buy groceries and chat with other Navy wives. With dad gone sailing for days and even months at times, my mom had no choice but to learn things fast and take complete responsibilities of the house and she excelled. She was able to keep me in control as well. At 28, she gave birth to my sister and our family was complete now.

 

By this time, my income was stable and the next few years were the best work-life years for me. Working in a Bangalore based startup with amazing colleagues, trips to Chennai every other weekend, relishing the long bike rides, working hard and partying hard, life was good. I was always aware of the huge responsibility on my shoulders i.e. to take care of my sister, and was slowly piling on my savings as well. At 27, I decided it was time to return to Chennai and spend the next few years with my sister before getting her married. I bought a car soon and our MMDA house wasnt enough, so we renovated our Mogappair house and moved into the large house leaving behind the remnants and memories of MMDA house. The next 3 years were about settling at new work, new house and looking out for my sisters marriage propositions and lots of local exploratory travels, I had a quality time with my sister, granny and friends.

 

30 - 40 years: Progressive Times

This prime phase was all about progression and settling down for both mom and me.

After leading a fairly settled life in Bombay and at 32, she had to lead the big shift to Madras leaving behind her friends and the Bombay way of life. (By now we had lived with Telugu, Marathi, Punjabi, and Kannada families) Dad and I wanted to stay in Bombay but mom was keen on shifting to Madras and rightly so, since we had our own house and the high cost of living in Bombay etc. After moving to Madras, initial couple of years were difficult with building a new house and settling down with schools etc, but after that the next 5 yrs were a breeze. With dad going on long sailing schedules, she was pretty much independently running the house. Deepika and I were grown up enough to manage our studies and run house errands. My aunt Saraswathi lived a few blocks away and was a regular visitor to our house, this gave us a sense of security and emotional support as well. Mom had occasional visit from all relatives and cousins which kept her busy and active. She also pursued her interests in cooking and tailoring with full passion.

 

On the other hand, life for me was very eventful and unsettling during this period. At 32, I managed to arrange my sisters weddings, followed by my wedding in quick succession. In the following years, I travelled to different places for work including Oman, UK and US. I even discovered a new found interest in running. I moved to London for a few years before returning to Chennai, became a dad to a baby girl Aaradhana (named after my mom's favourite movie of all time), managed to build a new house and even saw a pandemic rip apart the world. At 40, I moved to London and living there at the time of writing this 2 years later.

 

Epilogue:

In summary, she experienced  living in a backward place and time, gone through extreme poverty, spent a childhood without parents in a hostel, committed herself to an outside man she totally believed in, shifted based to a new city altogether twice, learnt a new language from scratch, made lots of Non-Tamil friends, left them all and shifted her base back to Chennai, took the responsibility of independently running the house and overseeing the education of 2 kids and most importantly making sure they got her complete attention, value education, and facilities that she herself yearned as a child while not compromising on her passions (reading, cooking and tailoring).

 

I, on the other hand, had a very stable childhood till 16, had to adapt to frequently changing schools (5 schools), take care of my education, manage my house from 17 years, find a career for myself, settle down my sister and myself later on.

 

At 41, I somehow feel my mom had more experiences than me and this is where I outlived my mom !

We miss you sister !

             Rajasekar a.k.a Raj is a core member of our friends circle and is more family than a friend. In 2007 he and Sanju gave us a double surprise, not only were they going to get married this year but they were getting married the same day at the same muhurtham (auspicious time) albeit at different parts of the city creating a bit of a logistical nightmare for all our families. The double couples got married on 30th August 2007 in traditional ceremonies and we wished them all a long happy life.

Earlier the same month on 5th August 2007 which was also a Friendship Day Sunday, we friends had a customary meetup at an upmarket restaurant and as expected Raj arrived last, but to our surprise brought along his then fiancée, Pavithra. My first impression and I judged too soon, was that Pavithra seemed like a reserved person and yet a very good match for Raj. While some of us were blowing away the sheesha (non- tobacco hookah with fruity flavours), Anees offered her the Sheesha and she nonchalantly declined "not my brand" with a whiff of an attitude. We were taken aback and all of us bursted out laughing at her sense of humor and welcomed her to our group. It was an evening to remember.

Raj was based out of Bangalore then and we did not meet often, but as a group we occasionally met up in family functions. A few years later in 2012, Raj moved to Chennai for various reasons. We organized a family get-together in March 2013 and that was probably one of the rare times all our families met and it was a good evening.

I moved to London in 2014 and returned in 2017 and hoped to catchup with all friends and family more often. Raj and Pavithra were now parents of 2 kids, son Vaibhav and daughter Damini. It was mid 2017 when Raj revealed that Pavithra was diagnosed with Neuro Endocrine Tumour i.e. cancer in simple terms and that the family had been fighting it for the past 18 months. We were all shocked to the core, she was just 34 yrs old and had a whole life ahead of her and it was brutally unfair to her, Raj and their kids. We prayed a lot and she fought a lot. She finally succumbed on 31st Jul'17. We all friends met her at Apollo hospital the day before, knowing it would probably be our last time. Not many words were spoken, I just gave Raj a hug, nothing I said could make a difference to what he was going through. I vividly remember the first and the last time I saw her.

It is events like these that question the very design and purpose of life. Why should she not get the pleasure of watching  her kids grow, why should Raj and kids miss out on seeing her grow old and tend to her like normal families do. We will never get these answers and the void in the family will forever remain.

It's been over 5 years since, and Raj despite losing his better half has been whole, stronger than ever and completely focused on his kids; his life revolves around them. We've caught up often since then and I do inquire about him and kids' health, well being etc, but hardly broached the topic of Pavithra. It goes without saying, the vacuum in his life continues.

This group of friends still misses Pavithra and on behalf of us all - We miss you sister !

Friendship day 5th August, 2007

It is Kola Perumal !

Time: Feb'96

Venue: T Nagar, Chennai, Shri Shankarlal Jain School

Event: RSP weekend camp

 A bunch i.e. around 12 of us had enrolled for a 2 day weekend RSP (Road Safety Patrol) camp organized by the Chennai city traffic police at Shri Shankarlal Jain School, T Nagar Chennai, in the pleasant month of Feb 1996. This camp was mainly held to promote road safety awareness among school kids which I personally felt was extremely necessary in the chaotic Indian City traffic. Our school had done reasonably well in the recent Republic Day parade held last month and we were all on an emotional high. Most of us faced the grim reality of our last few months of fun before we stepped into the rigor of 12th std routine, supposedly, the most important year of our lives. So we rather live it up now.

This camp was a mix of fun, social and awareness sessions and was planned well throughout the day. There were competitions ranging from painting, quiz, dance, music, talent shows and the occasional knowledge sessions on traffic and road safety awareness by the top officials of the city. Over 500 boys and girls from over 50 schools all over the city had culminated for this event. Although it was a casual weekend camp, the nature of the competition was extremely fierce with each school vying for the top spot in each of them.

I wanted to try my hands on the quiz competition. Our team M.Senthil, D.Jagdish and I participated in the quiz competition. The first round was a written competition with about 50 general knowledge questions and we thought we had done quite well, infact we felt the questions were too simple for us. After this round, we moved on to the other events as cheering squad for our school mates. I remember our boys also did an ad-zap show which was quite hilarious and the crowd loved it.

Later around 4pm was the announcement that quiz finalists were going to be announced and asked the finalists join the stage for the finale. This is how the announcement went on as the officer M.T.Varghese (some names stick in our mind all through our lives just like this one) on the mic announced loudly:

"The First Finalist is DAV school".. this didn't bother us and we were still confident we would crack it and that it would be us next.

"The Second Finalist is SBOA school".. damn, a hint of disappointment and confidence draining away and questioning ourselves if our overconfidence led to our underperformance.

"The Third Finalist of the evening is….".. after a short pause "Sacred Hearts School" and a bunch of girls celebrated frantically.

All our school mates were dejected and we turned out backs and started moving out. There was no way now, we could be the last team to be selected from the 50 odd schools eagerly waiting to be called out.

The officer now started out loud again "And the Fourth finalist of the evening is…………….." and there was an unexpected eerie silence among the 100s of students seated there, and Pramod from our school who diligently stayed back shouted "Kola Perumal" Everyone turned to him……….. Officer:  "YES IT IS KOLA PERUMAL !!!"

We 3 were ecstatic and ran up to the stage on hearing our school name and our school mates cheered us as loud as they could as if we had won the competition itself. We made it through..!

 P.S. - The finals itself was a bit somber and all questions were around traffic rules and regulations and definitely not our forte. We ended the competition at a joint 3rd but more than the final onstage participation, the selection process is what we all enjoyed more and recollected often in our get-togethers.

Marching Bands of RD Parade

Date: 26th Jan, 1996

Event: Republic Day Parade

Venue: Marina beach, Chennai in the presence of then Chief Minister, Dr J Jayalalitha

THE SELECTION:

It was a winter morning of January 1996 when our RSP (Road Safety Patrol) teacher incharge informed us of an opportunity to participate in the Tamil Nadu's State Republic Day parade in the presence of our TN Chief Minister, Dr J. Jayalalitha. I personally didn't gauge how big this event was. Till then I had only witnessed the grand Republic Day parade on TV live from Rajpath, New Delhi only to have goosebumps seeing contingent after contingent marching along with the heart thumping beats. My favorite was always the Indian Navy contingent although there is very little to differentiate between the synchronised marching of each of these contingents. Since I was part of my school's RSP (Road Safety Patrol) troop, I listed myself among the bunch of other guys and girls who enrolled. Then followed the rigorous part - 

We were asked to report to the RSP Chennai HQ the circa first week of Jan'96 around 6 am. My school mates joined, around 12 guys and 6 girls and so did 300 other students from all over the city. We were asked to march in batches of 8 made up of random guys and 3 officers watched over and selected the best among these. At the end, most of our school guys made it including Sanjayan, Santhana Krishnan, Nagendran, Saravanan, Vijayababu, Venkatesh, Vijay Sharma, Prashanth, Sharmila, Kavitha, Jayashree. I remember Sumitha weeping over getting rejected. The rest of us were asked to report every morning at 5.30 am for the marching drills. Our RSP teacher Mrs. Jayalakshmi congratulated all of us, this was one of the largest group ever to be selected from our school. Our previous stint as NCC cadres definitely helped us here. 

THE DRILLS:

This was the part none of us looked forward to. I had to literally wake at 4.30 am every morning, get ready and take the 5am bus and I diligently did it all the days, so did rest of my school mates and so did the 80+ selected finalists from the city. We were an army of white and white boys and girls marching to the thumping beats of the drum and our shoes kicking in sync hard on the tar roads. We were initially pathetic in terms of coordination, but as the days went by, the entire troop marched extremely well and the officers seemed happy too. Still they did not relax their scrutiny every step of the way, literally. The girl contingent marched ahead and we were next inline, so we had to pace accordingly. We practiced for 18 straight days, an hour drill every morning until the D day.

THE D-DAY - REPUBLIC DAY, JAN 26 1996.

My dad, being an ex-Indian Navy officer always had a couple of uniforms in his suitcase. Mom being an excellent tailor decided to tweak one of his shirt and trouser to fit me. I felt privileged to wear an Indian Navy uniform on the RD parade. I ensured my shoes were shiny black after an hour long polishing. This time we had to report at 4.30 in the morning as we had get everything in place for the march on time. I was super excited and started from home at 3.45 am and there were special buses from all over the city. Managed to reach Marina beach before 4.30 am and was surprised to see the hustle bustle this early in the morning.

All contingents were dressed up in their crisp uniforms and so was I, in a crisp white double pocketed Indian Navy uniform customized for RSP and shiny black leather shoes. Some of my contingent boys were already there and slowly the boys and girls trickled and in no time we were a full house. In the final adjustments to our contingent, luckily or coincidently all our school boys were placed in crucial posts. Nagendra was leading the contingent, Santhana Krishnan was the right corner man, means he didn't have to salute to the CM and had to continue with his marching, it's a privileged position. Rest of us were in the side rows either facing the crowd/tv cameras or facing the CM. I was on the crowd side. There was a contingent of Black Cats- the special forces right ahead of us and we were awed at their army, all standard above 6 ft tall, with their advanced guns and all black uniforms - boy and they stood apart. Our group rehearsed to the bands and we were all pumped up and the fishermen crowd around us cheered us and enjoyed watching us march on.

THE MARCHING:

Around 5.30am, I witnessed the best sunrise of my life, was a clear morning and the orange ball rose slowly from the Bay of Bengal. Not many know but Chennai has one of the best sunrises you can witness. Around 6am we began our marching. And at the instruction of our RSP officer, off we took, marching hard to the thumping beats of our band and to the loud cheers of the public around. We crossed the CM stage in about 20min and it was a goosebump moment for us. All our efforts of the past 20 days came down to this moment and we did good! We were all on a high and pumped up and thanks to the crowd cheering all around us, it kept our adrenaline high. What we weren't prepared for was the distance, it was a 3km long march through the full stretch of the Marina beach starting from the fishermen huts behind light house until Madras University. We thought we just had to march past the CM dais and then we could relax but with constant wave of crowds all along the Marina stretch, we couldn't rest until we reached the end point and eventually we did. Our officers applauded us for our effort and we ended our stint with a loud -

HIP HIP HURRAY!

HIP HIP HURRAY!!

HIP HIP HURRAY!!!

A forgotten birthday.

 It was the November of 1990 and a very large cyclone had hit the shores of Chennai. The entire roads were inundated knee deep with water across the city. It was our first year in Chennai after moving from Bombay and I was 10 yrs old and had to take a 30 min ride in the public bus to school. That particular day I started a bit early and managed to board the bus (15G) which waded through the inundated roads before dropping me off in Taylor's road bus stop. On the other hand, my sister Deepika (a.k.a Deep) who was just 6 yrs old decided to stay at home citing the heavy rains. School was another 10 min walk and this day it took forever to reach the school. Upon reaching the school realised I was among the only 3 kids to reach my class and the school had declared a holiday owing to this cyclone. And now I had the ardent task of returning home safely!

On my 10 min walk back to the bus stop, engaged in a conversation with my friends and one of them quoted that he saw in the news that it was India Gandhi's death anniversary the day before. It then struck me and checked the date today and voila - today is 01-Nov which means it's my sister's birthday. In our family conversations, my dad had often mentioned the difficulty in getting mom to hospital and shortage of doctors for this delivery as the entire nation was under lock down following the then Prime Minister Indira Gandhi's assassination on 30th Oct, 1984. So this event was stuck in my mind along with Deepika's birthday ofcourse.

I then rushed to one of the nearby provisional store and bought a "Cadbury Temptation" a premium chocalate for the time and blew my entire pocket money of Rs.15 with no regrets ofcourse. I managed to get back home and wished my dear sister a very Happy 6th birthday who had just woke up from a late morning nap totally oblivious to the fact that it was her birthday today. My mom felt bad that she forgot this as well, but atleast one of us remembered and we all devoured the best chocolate for the day.

Till date, this remains the most undecorated yet a very special birthday and will be the day we "almost" forgot it was Deep's birthday. 

The Second Last Supper

 Date: Saturday, 15 February, 1997

The clock ticked 7:00 pm and it was like any other Saturday evening for us at door number C-136. My dad had finished his coffee and caught up with his usual newspaper reading. My sister (Deepika a.k.a Deep) in her 7th standard was doing her home work assignments. With just couple of weeks for my 12th board exam, I had a long day of fervently reading through my school books and had just taken a small break and was sitting with my dad. Mom on the other hand was contemplating in all seriousness the menu for our family dinner tonight.

After few minutes of pondering, mom proudly announced she was going to cook daal and chapathis for dinner - one of my favourite off her menu. At this, dad with a bit of thoughtful consideration looked at my sister, me and said "Mummy has been cooking for us all these years, let's give her a break tonight and let us all cook for her instead". Deep and I immediately jumped at the thought of it and we all stormed into the tiny kitchen of C-136 and asked mom to step aside. We then realized, none of us really know cooking and  gave a blank look at one another.

Mom then put on her master-chef hat, sat in a corner of the kitchen and orchestrated the remaining of the cooking. Deep had to flatten the chapathi dough, dad had to roll the dough with a circular precision and I had to cook them off the tawa. The next 30 minutes was one of those rare family union moments which is etched deep in our hearts. We laughed, mocked each other, openly acknowledged mom's contribution to our well being, in a way thanked her for everything and most importantly felt complete as a family. 

Little did we know this was going to be our second last dinner as a family and that this moment will be the poster picture of our last moment together....

(p.s. - The following Monday my parents met with a fatal accident and never returned home. The together family was never together anymore.....)

R.I.P. Balraj Aunty

            Childhood for most is a treasure trove made unique by special people, events, places, sight and even smell. Most of my childhood memories revolve around my days in Navy Nagar, Colaba, Bombay, where I spent around 10 years of my life. One of the few people who made my childhood memorable was Mrs. Julie Balraj or 'Balraj Aunty' as I fondly called her.

            She was a teacher at a Kendriya Vidyalaya school. Her husband (Balraj uncle) and my dad served in the Indian Navy and that's how we got acquainted and were almost a family. My mom being from Madras, hardly knew anyone in Bombay and immediately saw a friend in Balraj aunty. We used to visit them most weekday evenings and almost every weekend. She was quite stylish and always carried with her a warm smile and an aura that would comfort anyone at an instant. 

            It was during these days back in 1984 when my sister Deepika was born, my dad was busy running between hospitals and home and I stayed with Balraj aunty for a few days. I remember her taking me to a park and had a photo session with me on her 'point and shoot' camera. I would regularly stay with her over the following weekends and she would take me along to the Sunday morning catholic mass at an RC church. 

            After Balraj uncle voluntarily retired from Indian Navy and went on to sail in Merchant Navy ships, she found herself alone in Bombay for long periods of time. She did have the occasional visitor from her hometown in Tamil Nadu, but on other days we were the only family she had (or atleast I would think so). So I felt, we filled that void to some extent. I would sit with her for hours and watch her correct the homework and exam papers of her students. She would look me straight in the eye and quote that I have pretty eyes and I would blush at it every single time. 

I can recollect some events involving her, quite vividly !

• There was this time one evening when my father thrashed me badly for lying about coming home late from a friends place. The next day he wanted to make up for it, so took me to Balraj aunty's house. She was shocked at seeing the marks on my body and gave my dad a piece of her mind, so much that not only he felt bad but even I felt sorry for him :-)

• This other time, I had a task of collecting public donations for a school cause. We were also to collect the names of people in a leaflet provided by school. The leaflet had space for 25 names and target was Rs. 50 i.e. Rs. 2 per person. I first went to Balraj aunty and seeked the first donation. She took a pen, struck all the rows, wrote her name and gave me the Rs. 50. I was surprised and furious and even wept as I wanted to go by the rules and collect this money from 25 different people. She then pacified me and explained in her calm demeanor, the rationale behind donations etc. I felt like a fool later on :-)

• My mom being the good tailor she was, always stitched matching dresses for my sister and me from the same piece of cloth. As a result some of my shirts had floral patterns in them. After a while, Balraj aunty strictly adviced me against wearing these floral dresses and inculcated an early sense of dressing in me; something I do not regret at all. 

Between giving me frequent advices, asking me not to wink at girls (not that I did), watching me grow up, and being a good friend to my mom; I felt she saw me as a child she did not have. She was literally my second mother too during that phase of my life. It was many years later and after both our families shifted to Madras, that she had a girl child. We were very happy that her prayers were duly answered with a precious baby. She was so happy that she named the girl Joy - Anita Joy. 

        As we grew older and busier with our lives, I almost did not visit her for many years despite living just a few kilometers apart. She made it to my wedding though, and was one of the most special guests that evening. It was very recently after my daughter Aaradhana's birth, I felt the need to reconnect with Balraj aunty. I wanted to know from her what my parents went through during my sister's birth as she had a first hand account of all events from those days. I tried visiting her a couple of times, but on both occasions, she had travelled abroad to be with her daughter. I was fortunate to talk to her last year (2020) and we had a good healthy chat. We decided to meet soon and seek her blessings for Aaradhana. 

        Few days after we spoke, I had to travel with family for work and relocate to London. We exchanged few messages from aunty over the next few months, and then a few months later, heard the news that she succumbed to covid-19. It was a terrible news. She left her near and dear ones and reached the abode of God; And for me, left a lot of my questions unanswered - these were questions about the life of my parents during our stay in Bombay. 

All my memories with you will remain etched in my mind as long as I can possibly remember you, Balraj aunty. 

We miss you. Rest In Peace !

"Smile an everlasting smile

A smile can bring you near to me

Don't ever let me find you down

'Cause that would bring a tear to me...."